The Jerry Springer Show: Zelda Style
by Noc007
Summary: The whole Zelda cast is taken into the very, unknowingly popular show. What could be the results of this strange event?


**Jerry:** Welcome back. This is the Jerry Springer Show, and today's topic is "You Ruined My Life - Now I'm Gonna Ruin Yours!" And our guests so far are Link and Gannondorf, who each claim that the other has messed up their lives. Link says that Gannondorf stole his girlfriend and made him grow up too fast, and Gannondorf says Link's the one trying to control HIS life. There's another side to this. Zelda, the girl Link and Gannondorf are fighting over, has her own opinions, and she's been backstage listening to everything. So Zelda will you come on out?

(Zelda enters and takes the chair next to Gannondorf)

**Jerry: **Now Zelda, can you tell us in your own opinion, what's going on between these two?

**Zelda**: It's jealousy.  
**  
Jerry:** Yeah?

**Zelda:** Yeah. Because, Gannondorf has all these magic powers and he's a Gerudo King. So Link is jealous of all the power Gannondorf has got. But Link has this sacred sword which Gannondorf can't use  
and he's jealous of that.

**Jerry**: So you reckon Gannondorf wants Link's sword?

**Zelda**: But he can't use it. It only accepts Link's touch.

**Jerry**: But some of us were thinking, maybe they were really fighting each other over you?

**Zelda**: That's a part of it, yeah. And it's kinda unfortunate.

**Jerry**: Why?

**Zelda**: Well... I don't want either of them.

(identical astonished looks from Link and Gannondorf)

**Jerry**: Oho!

**Zelda**: I'm a princess. My father arranged for me to marry a Sheikah prince from Kakariko.

**Link**: You slut! You led me on!

**Gannondorf**: You offered me your hand and half the kingdom if I took you way!

**Zelda**: Um... well, I didn't want to marry him. Zelda smiles joyfully But I've fallen in love with him now.

**Link**: But - I have your Ocarina of Time!

**Zelda**: It was either give it to you or throw it in the river.

**Link**: ... You DID throw it in the river...

**Gannondorf**: What about me? You said if I "kidnapped" you I'd be handsomely rewarded! "My hand and half the kingdom" you said!

**Link**: You told ME I had to SAVE the kingdom from Gannondorf!

**Jerry**: It seems Link and Gannondorf both didn't know the full story...

**Link**: Do you know what I went through for you? I nearly got beat up by your own palace guards, eaten by a giant fire-breathing lizard, electrocuted by a monster squid and zapped by a huge  
jellyfish! I was just a little kid! HAVE YOU ANY IDEA THE TORTURE YOU PUT ME THROUGH?

**Zelda**: I -

**Gannondorf**: I tried to kidnap you and wasted years of my time on you! I can't believe you did this to me! I could have ruled the world years ago if you hadn't got involved!

**Link**: It's your fault I missed out on seven years!

**Zelda**: No it's not!

**Link**: You TOLD me to go to the Temple of Time and save the Triforce! but when I got there it was already gone!

**Zelda**: Well, how was I to know you'd go and touch the Master Sword? It's just like you to do stupid things like that!

**Gannondorf**: That Master Sword should have been mine...

**Link**: YOU LIAR! You sent me to the Temple of Time just to get me out of the way!

**Zelda**: I don't care what you say, Link. I'm in love with Sheik and nothing will change that.

**Link**: SHEIK?

**Jerry**: Oho! Link, do you know this 'Sheik'?

**Link**: He was in this too? B - b - but Sheik was the one who helped me out on my quest. He kept popping up with hints and... stuff to help me... trails off

**Gannondorf**: So... you didn't want to marry Sheik, so you asked me to save you. Then you fell in love with him so you asked Link to stop me kidnapping you, so that you could be with him instead.

**Link**: Sheik was supposed to be my friend...

**Jerry**: Well, it just so happens that we tracked down Sheik, and he's waiting backstage. Shall we hear what he has to say?

(audience murmur assent)

**Jerry**: Sheik, come right on in!

(a stagehand places another chair by Zelda as SHEIK enters. He sits by Zelda and takes her hand. They sit holding hands. Link's fingers close on the hilt of his sword)

**Jerry**: So, Sheik, what's this all about?

**Sheik**: What?

**Jerry**: I mean this thing with Link and Gannondorf. They say Zelda deliberately set them off against each other so she could get to hang out with you.

**Sheik**: That's not true.

**Jerry**: Yeah?

**Sheik**: Yeah. Well, kinda.

**Jerry**: Kinda?

**Sheik**: Sort of. I mean, a bit. Well, I mean, it's a very harsh way of looking at it, isn't it?

**Jerry**: I don't know. What do you mean?

**Sheik**: Well, okay. It's true. But we never meant for Link to end up missing seven years.

**Link**: Well, I DID. I can't believe this. Sheik, you said you were my friend. You were both just taking me for a ride!

**Sheik**: I... okay, Link. We're sorry about not telling you the truth about all of this. But -

**Link**: What about all that stuff you told me about the Ocarina and traveling through time? The songs you taught me to play to make things happen, and getting the Sacred Stones back from Death Mountain and Zora's Realm. Was that all lies to keep me away from Hyrule Castle too?

**Sheik**: Well... yeah.

**Jerry**: Okay, hold it there. Let's just let a few of these people put their points. You, sir, what do you want to ask?

another member of the audience, a middle-aged man in a leather jacket, stands up

**Questioner**: Uh, I wanna ask Zelda, how come you told them both all this stuff instead of just saying outright, "Look, I made a mistake and I want to break off our relationship"?

**Zelda**: I wanted to. But I didn't want to hurt either of them. I mean, I like them. I don't love them but I really like them. Zelda giggles I mean, I think they're really great guys!

**Questioner**: Yeah, but surely you're hurting them more by not telling them the truth, than you would hurt them by just telling them the truth right at the beginning? Or something.

(murmurs of approval from the audience)

**Zelda**: Yeah, but it was too hard. I was scared to tell them.another member of the audience, a lady in jeans and a knitted sweater, stands up out of turn

**Questioner**: Well, people break off relationships all the time. You could have told them by phone or letter even if you couldn't tell them face to face.

**Zelda**: I... was scared to...

**Link**: SCARED? I'll tell you what scared is. Scared is looking down the throat of a King Dodongo just before he breathes fire, knowing you've only got half a second to chuck a live bomb down  
his throat before he turns you into one of the little black crispy bits you get at the bottom of a medium Fries! You don't know NOTHING about scared!

**Sheik**: Well, YOU shouldn't have been so gullible! Jeez, you swallowed everything she told you!

**Link**: GULLIBLE?

(Link draws his sword and leaps at Sheik, who jumps away. Link smashes the chair in two and chases Sheik around and around the studio, while Jerry backs into the audience for safety. Eventually  
the stagehands manage to catch Link and wrestle him back to the camera)

**Jerry**: Calm down, calm down. We've got a little more time to ask questions, so does anyone else want to say something?

(a number of hands go up in the audience. Jerry selects one at random)

**Questioner**: Um, this is to Zelda. I think you just want them all to yourself. That's why you didn't want to tell Link or Gannondorf that you'd found Sheik.

**Zelda**: Well...

**Questioner**: So I just wanna say, you should be less selfish and think about other people more, cause you can sorta hurt a lot of people if you just only think about what you want.

(murmurs of agreement ripple through the audience)

**Jerry**: Yeah, did you want to say something?

(he goes over to another audience member)

**Questioner**: This is to Gannondorf. You seem like you're like, just stuck in this mess because you walked in on it. You could just leave them to fight over each other because there's nothing keeping you in the relationship? I mean, you're better than all of this, you don't need to be involved.

(audience applause)

**Gannondorf**: Yeah... yeah, I was starting to think that. He sits up a little Cause, in my opinion, these guys are all no-hopers, they're just fighting over the same stuff which I'm not very interested in. I mean, I was only into Zelda because I thought she would give me half her kingdom, but I guess I can get all of it if I start trying to rule the world again.

**Jerry**: All right. We're almost outa time here, so just quickly before we go, Link, I've noticed you're waiting your turn. Is there something you want to say to Zelda?

**Link**: Yeah. He turns to Zelda I take back all the good stuff I ever thought about you. You're a cheating, lying, two-timing witch and I never want to see you again. Get stuffed.

(audience cheer wildly, stamp their feet and clap)

**Jerry**: That's the spirit! Well, we're plumb outa time, so that's it for today.

(Sheik attacks Link, throwing him off his chair, getting on top of him and trying to strangle him)

**Jerry**: Today ought to be a lesson to us all, to not be selfish and above all to always tell the truth, because lies can really hurt.

(Zelda picks up her chair and smashes it over Link's head, as Gannondorf quietly leaves. The audience are going wild as Sheik continues to throttle Link)

**Jerry**: talking over the noise Don't forget to tune in tomorrow, when we talk to three different couples and find out what drives family members to despair in "Dysfunctional Families: Your Weird Addiction is Destroying My Social Life"!

ducks as a chair flies over his head


End file.
